Eurovision - Live Blog

2010 - Bosnia and Herzegovina.....I'm not a fan. If you're going to sing badly, at least sing in English. Just wait for Scooch, they'll rock your socks.

2012 - Spain....another non-English entry. I'm rapidly losing interest. If it wasn't for Terry Wogan's xenophobic comments between each act, I'd have turned over to "Rick Stein in Du Maurier Country" on BBC2 ten minutes ago.

2014 - Spain are still on, there's some women pretending to play the drums in the background, but naturally my eye is drawn to the four flouncing fops at the front...and the "I LOVE U" written on the stage. Classy, Spain, real classy.

2017 - I've really set myself up for some punishment, haven't I. Belarus this time, and an English speaking singer! That said, he's as orange as the tangerine I'm about to eat, and his eyebrows are as shaped as much as the supermodel-weirdo's behind him. It seems they could stab me with their razor-sharp eyebrows... I've over thought this.

2039 - Macedonia, Slovenia and Hungary all have one thing in common. Bad. Although Hungary does have a fake bus-stop, which will obviously appeal to...well nobody. I can see myself slipping into a rage-induced coma sometime soon... I need a break

2054 - Georgia was a Madonna rip-off, Sweden is now a Status Quo rip-off, but with fewer clothes. I'm thinking about tearing off my fingers to plug my ears and eyes from this hell. I'll use my thumb to throw at the television.

2110 - Russia? I think we have a new winner. And just in case the girls are reading, my beach-house is free, we could fire up the hot tub, and maybe improve international relations...

2118 - What the HELL Europe?! The Ukraine's answer to DJ Otzi, is your favourite?! I despair. George Bush, if there was ever a reason to invade an entire continent for bad taste, this is it. The UK will probably go along with you...

2126 - The fact that I've been humming the Ukrainian entry for quite a few minutes now, means I probably, on some subconscious level, like it. Scooch were excitingly awesome, the innuendo was very Carry On.. I think we're in for at least one "douze points"

2138 - As I mop up the blood pouring from my ears thanks to Armenia's entry, I wonder where Eurovision went wrong..wasn't it an orgy of camp energy last year? Why all the operatic solo singers? I'm disillusioned...

2157 - All the songs are finished now...I'll return in about 5 hours..or whenever they decide the winner to cast my (probably bitter) view. My favourites are Maldova, Ukraine and UK. Let's prepare for crushing defeat, shall we?

RESULT - Serbia won. A large, female version of Harry Potter won. This is the end of my bizarre experiment..I'm not going to lie, it's been agony; it's probably cost me my health, both physical and mental. This is also the longest post that I've done so far, and if you've made it this far, I congratulate and pity you..

It's been a long night. Lots of camp, cheesy love,
Cal. x