Saturday, 23 June 2007

Creative writing.

As I sat with in the Guildford "TGI Fridays", with the helium balloons that were tied to my wrists buoying cheerily above my head, I stared down at my "woowoo" (a cocktail, not a euphemism.. I call that my "yoohoo".)

My mind wandered, as often is the case after a couple of Slippery Nipples; have I reached the life's pinnacle?

A third balloon, attached to my spectacles, seemed to bob in agreement. It was baffed occasionally by the swiftly rotating ceiling fan, perilously close to ending it's short, yet high-flying life.

Such thoughts left my mind as quickly as they had entered, as a rather attractive waitress arrived with my burger, and gave me a look that said so much; there was I, sat at the edge of a large group of friends, three balloons attached to separate extremities, and the empty glasses of several woowoo's and the odd harvey wall-banger spread out in front of me.

It was a look of pity. My assortment of balloons sank slightly for a moment, but rose again as I began to eat, swaying slightly in the Americanised atmosphere.

Monday, 18 June 2007

Out of Reach - Review

It's a widely accepted fact that Steven Seagal acts better when silent. This is largely due to that fact that when he speaks, he sounds like Herbert, the old man, from Family Guy, with a high (and somewhat sinister) drawl.

It's not just Seagal's oddly-pitched voice that is laughable about this film; the action 'hero' plays a wildlife-loving countryside-dwelling American (William Lansing) who, thanks to a wonderfully ridiculous piece of exposition, we learn is in correspondence with a young Polish girl, living in an orphanage. When she goes missing; stolen by a caricature of a villain (an English man), Lansing goes to Poland to put his (convenient) military training to use in the hunt for her.

What really upsets me, is that the English baddy is none other than Nick Brimble. He's been in all-sorts really, Casualty, The Bill, Doc Martin....and most notably, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. Why ruin it all? That said, he's easily the best part of the film.

Given better directing, writing, acting and editing, this film could be passable. Seagal looks and sounds ridiculous; his acting skills contain the same level of charisma as a low-fat flan. If you really want to see a Seagal film, watch Under Siege. Shot in 1992, Seagal was slimmer and quieter, factors in my mind, which make for a better action film.

The tag-line is "It's a split second between hit or miss." You're not wrong there, although in the case of Out of Reach it's 100 minutes. And a lot of miss.

If you do choose to watch this film however, you're clearly a masochist; but look out for the scene in which a bullet is removed from a woman's shoulder, using a hot knife, and a spatula. She recovered around an hour later.

Labels: ,

Sunday, 17 June 2007

Paul Potts has won Britain's Got Talent, which is wonderful. It's been a while since an ex-Cambodian Dictator has won a reality TV show.

Except for when Hun Sen's ride got pimped...

EDIT: I've realised that a LOT of people have stumbled across my page through searching for Paul Potts, so I thought I'd pass judgement on the phone-selling-superstar. Even though I thought CombatBreakers were better, Paul pulled off a great performance. Hooray!

EDIT2: I in no way condone dictatorship. Pol Pot was a bad, bad man. With a silly name.