Thursday, 28 June 2007

Van Wilder 2: Rise of Taj - Review

This is less of a review and more, perhaps, a series of random statements.

This film is bad.

I'm not talking "Norbit" bad, or even *ahem* "The Waterboy" bad, but "Rise of Taj" should be given its own shockingly bad category.

I felt that if I were to cut my testicles off during the film, I would be provided with a more entertaining and wholesome experience; one which I'd probably regret less than watching the movie.

Having seen the original Van Wilder teen comedy, in which Ryan Reynolds pulls of arguably his only truly comedic performance, I was disappointed. I was as disappointed as Tim Henman was today, when he realised that people still think he's rubbish. (Love you though Timmy)

"Van Wilder: Party Liaison" isn't the perfect teen comedy; but it provides a hedonistic, and wry look at campus life, whether accurate or not. "Rise of Taj", on the other hand, provides British stereotypes, Indian stereotypes, and possibly Kal Penn's worst performance ever... which is a real shame, as I love Kal, particularly in 24.

Monday, 25 June 2007

The Monkey and the Banana

In her heart of hearts, Gladys Tilman knew that employing Dennis had been a mistake. She looked resolutely out of her 22nd floor office window, over the rooftops of the Upper-East side, and sighed heavily; mist clouded the windowpane, and obscured the beautiful day outside.

Owning a successful Manhattan business was never easy; particularly one of after all, "Tilly's Willies" was hardly salubrious, and drew criticism from figures of authority throughout the state. It was merely a matter of taste, she had thought.
Taking a pen from her novelty desk-tidy, she shuffled to her desk and sitting down, began to recount the events of that uncomfortable day. The thoughts tumbled from her brain, as she wrote every word down; keen to stop the rumors once and for all.

"Dennis arrived at the company in the fall of '28. His scruffy suit, and ill-manners made him no different from the other bozos I come across in this rotten city. Still, he wanted to work in the business, and made no bones about it. I stuck a gramophone record on, asked him to show me what he could do, and he began to do his show.

'I'm not going to lie, school for me wasn't easy, and I never did do well in class, but there was something different about this kid, and ol' Gladys can always spot a hustler from twenty yards. You don't need book-learning to know that much.

'The kid was a monkey. He'd come in, all making out to be human 'n all, when really, he was one of those immigrants from the continent of wherever-the-hell-it-is. I guess the fur was a giveaway, but you get some hairy guys in this business, and ol' Gladys likes to be accommodating to all tastes. Here at Tilly's Willies, we provide a service. In the same way that the rooty-tooty men like their broads to jump out of cakes at birthday parties and take their clothes off, we offer dames the chance to see the same. 'Cept it's a guy what jumps out of a cake. It doesnt have to be a cake; sometimes we have them dress up as the fuzz, and the girls love it! You could have knocked ol' Gladys down with a feather when she realised she could make some scratch through naked men, but that's what I did. And I'm the best in town.

'I let Dennis work for me. Mistake number one. It's not like I got him to do the stripping; New York ain't ready for that yet, and I sure as hell ain't ready to unleash that on the people, but I got the monkey to work in my costume department. Mistake number two. He was a hit with the fellas, and would fit them up with their new rags.. until his eyesight began to get worse, that is.

'I guess me writing this is mostly to try to get people to stop rumoring about my place. For that reason, I'm going to tell you about the time the monkey grasped the wrong "banana." I guess you already heard about that though, probably off some punk; but Gladys is gonna lay things straight for you. Starting with Dennis' addiction to bananas.."

Everything you expected. And less.

It's a sad day, when you want something...ANYTHING to happen, just so you can write about it in a blog.

I'm off up to Scotland next month, my Dad's new job involves working on the tiny island of Iona, so I'll be spending time up there...hopefully interesting things will happen, and I'll probably make some videos, and take photos for here, just to keep Danny entertained really. Seeing as I know nobody else comes on here...oh, except you. That's right, I see you. Maybe leave a comment, I can check out your least then I'll have something to do..

In the meanwhile, here's a picture after my own heart, as I'm a Fulham FC fan.
Keep checking the site, articles will be posted regularly, and here's a sneak peek of what to expect over the next few days and weeks:

  • Is this the face of evil?
  • Why I love puffins
  • More film reviews
  • Extensive Harry Potter coverage, unrivaled by any amateur, golden-haired blogger
  • A short story, based on title suggestions from the comments. Get thinking!