The Art of the Profile Picture

As any student will tell you, the exam period leads to a decrease in learning and an increase in the use of Facebook. A certain portion of Facebook time is naturally spent choosing and applying a profile picture for your friends to see when they're stalking you; but how do we decide on this important picture, and how does it stand out from the rest?

Here are the types of profile pictures, according to me. I will only be addressing the male profile picture this time, because I am a man, and as of yet I don't understand girls.

1. A State of Undress
This is the favourite of the rugby team whose pectorals glisten in the warm glow of others' adoration. This profile shot is either used to display an impressive physique, or just show how kooky they are are by running around their hometown in the buff. It's also a slightly misguided attempt to attract the ladies; less is more fellas, less is more.

2. Which Way to the Gun Show?
Is it that way? Or *strain* this way? The Gun Show profile picture is an attempt to show off biceps that probably wouldn't worry the cast of Gladiators.

3. Renaissance Man
Flowing hair and enormous cuffs are optional, but the pensive far-away look is a must. Think Joey's "smell-the-fart acting" from Friends; this subject of this picture wears a slightly confused frown, as if asked to explain why people read the Daily Mail.

4. Bitchez and Bling
Preferably with some kind of hand gesture and a girl on his arm, the Bitchez and Bling profile picture (B&B fo' shawt) is the sign of a terrifying gangster-type menace. Only less frightening, because they appear to have some computer skills.

5. Look! I Know a Girl!
In an ideal world, the girls would be kissing the subject of this particular profile picture, but you can't have everything. In this photo, our hero stands next to a person of the female persuasion, implying that he knows at least one, and also that he doesn't scare them all away.

6. The Drunken Idiot
"How drunk was I last night?!" The answer is very. And look! Someone took a photo while you were dry-humping the bouncer's leg. Oh that's so embarrassing...but you'll make it your profile picture anyway because that's the kind of hedonistic hilarity-monster that you are.

7. Looking Awesome
Most profile pictures fall under this category; a smiling, attractive chap that your mother would approve of. Please fancy him? Oh go on...


This post isn't intended to offend anyone, just to point out the stereotypes that plague Facebook. I'm not immune to the Profile Pic disease...look:











A definite combination of 2, 5 and 7.