Saturday, 12 May 2007

Eurovision - Live Blog

2010 - Bosnia and Herzegovina.....I'm not a fan. If you're going to sing badly, at least sing in English. Just wait for Scooch, they'll rock your socks.

2012 - Spain....another non-English entry. I'm rapidly losing interest. If it wasn't for Terry Wogan's xenophobic comments between each act, I'd have turned over to "Rick Stein in Du Maurier Country" on BBC2 ten minutes ago.

2014 - Spain are still on, there's some women pretending to play the drums in the background, but naturally my eye is drawn to the four flouncing fops at the front...and the "I LOVE U" written on the stage. Classy, Spain, real classy.

2017 - I've really set myself up for some punishment, haven't I. Belarus this time, and an English speaking singer! That said, he's as orange as the tangerine I'm about to eat, and his eyebrows are as shaped as much as the supermodel-weirdo's behind him. It seems they could stab me with their razor-sharp eyebrows... I've over thought this.

2039 - Macedonia, Slovenia and Hungary all have one thing in common. Bad. Although Hungary does have a fake bus-stop, which will obviously appeal to...well nobody. I can see myself slipping into a rage-induced coma sometime soon... I need a break

2054 - Georgia was a Madonna rip-off, Sweden is now a Status Quo rip-off, but with fewer clothes. I'm thinking about tearing off my fingers to plug my ears and eyes from this hell. I'll use my thumb to throw at the television.

2110 - Russia? I think we have a new winner. And just in case the girls are reading, my beach-house is free, we could fire up the hot tub, and maybe improve international relations...

2118 - What the HELL Europe?! The Ukraine's answer to DJ Otzi, is your favourite?! I despair. George Bush, if there was ever a reason to invade an entire continent for bad taste, this is it. The UK will probably go along with you...

2126 - The fact that I've been humming the Ukrainian entry for quite a few minutes now, means I probably, on some subconscious level, like it. Scooch were excitingly awesome, the innuendo was very Carry On.. I think we're in for at least one "douze points"

2138 - As I mop up the blood pouring from my ears thanks to Armenia's entry, I wonder where Eurovision went wrong..wasn't it an orgy of camp energy last year? Why all the operatic solo singers? I'm disillusioned...

2157 - All the songs are finished now...I'll return in about 5 hours..or whenever they decide the winner to cast my (probably bitter) view. My favourites are Maldova, Ukraine and UK. Let's prepare for crushing defeat, shall we?

RESULT - Serbia won. A large, female version of Harry Potter won. This is the end of my bizarre experiment..I'm not going to lie, it's been agony; it's probably cost me my health, both physical and mental. This is also the longest post that I've done so far, and if you've made it this far, I congratulate and pity you..

It's been a long night. Lots of camp, cheesy love,
Cal. x

Homer Simpson and the Pizza Delivery Chain.

I'm not a big fan of celebrity endorsed products.. whenever Penelope Cruz attempts to sell me hair colouring shampoo, I'm totally put right off. (I use Herbal Essences. It brings out the "real woman inside", which I found intriguing.)

Anti-aging cream sponsored by Jane Fonda? No thanks, the woman looks like the cricket ball I'm breaking-in for the summer season.

Anyway, the latest offending advert is a Domino's commercial sponsored by the Simpsons. This falls down for me in a number of areas:
Firstly, Homer Simpson is not a shape I'd like to be. (Though sadly am)
Secondly, I instantly forget it's an advertisement, and settle down expecting a full 22 minute episode. Picture my disappointment when I spot "This is an advertisement" in the corner.

Disappointment does not make a happy shopper; it's enough to make me want to binge eat.

....ah genius! Depress the viewer into wanting to eat himself into a carb-induced coma, while at the same time, entertaining him with a whimsical anecdote about a fat, yellow man. (Who's my hero by the way).

I know Homer Simpson's catchphrase is "dough!", but this is getting ridiculous.
(If that's not a pun-and-a-half, then I'm Fidel Castro.)

Wednesday, 9 May 2007

Eva Green

This is part of a request, and since I am a merciful overlord, I thought I would acquiesce to his request. ("means yes.")

I haven't seen Casino Royale yet, I didn't want to get caught up in the hype surrounding Daniel Craig; I wanted to make a decision based on my own prejudices.
That, and I never got around to seeing it..

That said however, I am now going to review the three people in this picture.

The one on the left has a certain something, her dark eyes and pale skin juxtapose nicely, suggesting she can be polarised between good and evil. She's also pretty buff.

Daniel Craig reminds me slightly of a German baddie...but he seems to me to provide a welcome change to the Bond franchise.

Now. Let's move on to the person on the right shall we? I'm not too sure who she is, but she intrigues me like George Bush is intrigued by pigeons and squirrels. She also seems the silent type (from a photo?! what?!). But you know what they say: still waters run deep. I'd like to paddle in hers.

I hope you've enjoyed this soiree into shallowness. Tomorrow, I shall judge "How do you solve a problem like Maria" based on who I fancy most.

Hello Goodbye - Here (In your arms)

This incredible song is FINALLY available for download. I seriously recommend it, it's one of the best tracks I've heard all year.

If this doesn't make you think of summer romance, then you're dead inside.

Nah, only kidding, but it's just so cheery! Check out the video.....

Monday, 7 May 2007

Sudan's Famous Goat Dies

It began as a shaky relationship; Charles Tombe and his wife were never conventional, mostly because she was a goat.

Charles was discovered *ahm* having sex with the goat, and was forced into marriage by the authorities.

I suppose it shows the lengths that some authority figures will goat....sorry, will GO to, in order to keep the status quo...

My favourite part of the story was this:

After the marriage, Rose had a male kid - but "not a human one" - Mr Rhodes (reporter) said, hastily.