Four Things I've Noticed Lately

1. Just how creepy my local station is at 1.02am on a Wednesday morning. Just look at it. If that's not a teen-massacre waiting to happen, I don't know what is.

2. I've started doing lots of lists, as easy and quick posts. This will stop soon, at least after I've compiled my top ten favourite lists of all time. (Not including Schindler's.)

3. Charlie Brooker is a genius. On the one hand, he's a grumpy misanthropic cynic with about as much charm as a cat with no fur, but on the other, he's brilliantly funny. The man clearly has more issues than a dyslexic paper towel salesman*, but I still think it's a disgrace that his column is hidden within the mysterious inner realm of the Guardian's tv guide. He writes like the poor man's Private Eye (which in my opinion needs taking down a peg or three) and it's winningly offensive.

4. I've also noticed how frowned-upon it is to enter a large retail establishment, pick your item, walk to the beginning of the queue, reach the front, and present the cashier with a mere tube of fruit pastilles. The last time I did this, the woman at the till gave me a dirty look, as though she only raises a beefy arm to the till for purchases of a pound or more.
Most recently, when struck with the sudden need for fruit pastilles, I felt compelled to run around the shop, looking for other products to raise my tally above the minimum spend limit. That said, the man at the till looked at me with an even stranger expression, when I presented him with a tube of fruit pastilles, some tampons, and a Simply Red album.


*You might need to mull this over.

Five Reasons to Hate Facebook

5. You give up seeing your friends in real life, but rather speak to them using a website.

4. Every day, photos are tagged of you.....most of which were taken whilst you were drunkenly swinging a bottle of vodka around your hot, red, sweaty face.

3. Everyone now knows of you as "that knob who keeps writing on his own wall".

2. Your family are beginning to succumb to the Facebook fad, and you are forced to censor your personal details. For example, your interests are changed from "Getting sh*tfaced off Lambrini every weekend" to "Reading quietly."

1. Now to come to the most depressing part of Facebook - the wall posts. Receiving them is one thing, (however rare that occasion may be) but I refer mainly to posting on other's walls. Here's how it goes:

• I post a message on a friend's wall; something cheery and chatty, perhaps asking how her Polo tournament went.
• There's no reply. I know she's been online.... I give them her benefit of the doubt, supposing that she's too busy to get back to me; Polo can be distracting, yet I still feel rather hurt.
  
• Still nothing.... and yet, as my post slides slowly down my friend's wall, slipping gradually towards oblivion, other posts take precidence, soliciting a cheery, chatty reply from my "friend".
• Cow.
  
• The next time we meet up, she asks why I'm ignoring her, and instead replying to others rather than her. I smile knowingly, then spam her on the forehead.